The last week and a half have been difficult--for obvious reasons. I've made it through with only a few breakdowns here and there. The last few days have been alright. I've forced myself to get out of bed and walk for an hour every morning. I've tried not to dwell. I can't keep thoughts of him from filling my head, but I've sort of learned how to handle them--as much as anyone can.
I know everyone keeps telling me I need to take this one day at a time. That is supposed to make me feel better. But lately I feel like I'm just surviving. I wake up every morning and wonder if I should get up or just stay there. I dream about him every night, so I never rest. I fight through the day, looking forward to bedtime because it means another day is behind me. I keep trying to convince myself that every time I get in bed at night, I am one day closer to feeling better. I'm really starting to doubt whether or not that is true.
I just wish I had a timeline. I wish there were a schedule that could tell me on X-day, I will stop hoping that there is some way to fix this; on X-day, I will finally stop dreaming about him every single night; on X-day, my pain will be down around a 2 or 3 instead of a 6 or 7; on X-day, I will stop thinking of him as the man I love and want to spend my life with. I'm tired of feeling like I'm Just Getting By. I'm tired of struggling through one day, just to get the crap kicked out of me by the next. I'm tired of being completely consumed by this. I'm tired of still missing him so damn much. I'm tired of thinking about him all day long, and dreaming about him every night. I'm tired of EVERYTHING reminding me of him.
I'm just ready to feel better and move on. I wish there was a self-help book for this. I wish I had some control over it. No matter how much I obsess, I can't speed this up. I can't control. I can't take charge. I just have to sit here and wait for it to pass. I think that might be the part that I am least OK with.
Maybe that's what I am supposed to be learning from this. God, take this away from me and help me let go of it. Please. I can't feel like this anymore and I need your help.
When you pass through the waters,
ReplyDeleteI will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
Isaiah 43:2
I used to think just surviving was a bad thing. I even commented on it to someone. On this side, though, survival is just that--you're making it out alive. Probably feels like you don't just want to survive, though. And I get that, too.
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