L is for Lonely

I'm a pretty strong person.  I have been through a lot in my life, and so far, I've made it out alive.  The last few weeks haven't been pleasant.  I've struggled a lot.  There have been a lot of issues to deal with.  I've worked through many of the messy parts.  Now I'm starting to struggle with one of my own personal demons.  It's an issue I've known about for a while.  I just haven't had to deal with it in a long time.

I don't know how to be alone.

I don't mean like physically alone.  Even when I was attached, there were long stretches when he wasn't physically here because of the Navy.  I can handle being by myself.  I don't know how to be single.  It seriously scares the shit out of me.  I haven't had to do it for close to 5 years now, and I don't even think I remember how.  It's uncomfortable for me.  I'm developing a new respect for my single friends.  How do you do this?  I feel genuine anxiety at the thought of not having a closeness, an emotional intimacy with another person.  I've already tried to figure out when it will be appropriate for me to start looking again, and it has only been 3 weeks.

I know this is a season of my life that I have to go through.  I would really like to be able to embrace it and learn from it, but I don't see it that way.  I just think of this as a miserable period that I have to survive until I can find someone new to fill that void.  I'm an oxytocin junkie (oxytocin is the bonding hormone).  I crave that closeness.  I need to have someone else to care about.  I know I will have Macy soon, but I also know she isn't going to fill this particular void.  I'm sure that finally getting to meet her is going to be wonderful, and I am going to be completely wrapped up with just how much I love her.  But I know that eventually, the excitement and whirlwind will fade, and this longing I feel right now will resurface.

I need that connection.  I need the emotional closeness, and the comfort, and the familiarity.  I need that warm body next to me in the bed.  I need that last voice in my head before I fall asleep at night.  I need love songs to remind me of that someone.  I feel like I have lost so much of myself through all of this, and I want to get it back.

I was watching an episode of Friends a few weeks ago--The One with Rachel's Inadvertent Kiss.  Phoebe is dating a cop named Gary, and Monica gets upset because Phoebe and Gary are a "hotter couple" than she and Chandler.  She thinks they need to get back what they had in the beginning of their relationship.

I know a lot of people miss the beginning part as they get further into their relationship.  I like the beginning part.  All of the "firsts" are really fun.  They're also really awkward sometimes.  I don't like the awkward part.  I like the part when everything is comfortable and familiar--the part where I don't have to put on make-up or shave my legs.  The part where I know what he is thinking because I know how he thinks.  The part when he has really become my best friend and confidante.  I love that part.  That's when you really feel the closeness, the connection.  Despite all of his lies, I know that my half of that connection was genuine.  It was real and it was powerful.  I miss it.  I'm scared that I'll never have that connection--real or imagined--with another person again.  When I think about never feeling that way again, I just feel empty inside.  I feel lost.  I feel completely alone.  I'm not sure what to do with that, and I really don't know what to say in conclusion.

I'm scared, I'm lonely, and I don't want to feel like this anymore.  How do I learn how to be alone?