Prayer Monday--5/23/11

I have to be selfish again today.  I covet prayers right now.  I can use all I can get.  Today has been the Second Worst Day of My Life.  Today, I had to tell the man I love that it's over between us.  I've know for 2 months, but haven't been able to tell him because he has been out to sea.  I didn't think it was going to be this hard to put into words something I have known for so long.  It really was.  It took me three days worth of phone conversations to gather the strength to finally tell him that I can't be with him.  It took saying it several times to make it stick.  I kept saying it and then grabbing it back.

I didn't want to say those words.  I still love him.  I still want to be with him.  I didn't want it to be over--I still don't.  I don't want to feel like this.  I feel like I have lost everything--all over again.  I'm terrified that I made the wrong decision--that there really is some explanation behind this mess.  I'm weak and I'm a complete wreck right now.  I can't get his voice out of my head.

I know I'm not going to feel better right away.  I know it takes time to heal.  Right now, I just need God to give me peace.  I need Him to speak to my heart and tell me I did the right thing.  I need Him to help me sleep tonight.  I really need His help because I'm not strong enough to do this right now.

T is for Today, Tonight, and Tomorrow

Today, I woke up without a heavy heart.  I didn't feel weighed down.  I didn't feel consumed by my circumstances.

Today, I cleaned my entire apartment.  I swept.  I dusted.  I mopped.  I vacuumed.  I even vacuumed the couch, and wiped off the stove--my least favorite chores.  I put away all of Macy's clothes that I washed the other day. I cut all the hair and old tinsel off the beater bar of the vacuum so it would work like it's supposed to.  I organized all of my bow-making supplies and put them into a plastic tub.  I was 10 kinds of productive.

Today, I worked on my calculus homework.

Today, I took Spencer for a walk at the park.

Today was a good day.  Then, Today turned into Tonight.

Tonight has been downhill--literally since the sun went down.

Tonight, I am a broken record.  I am missing him.  I feel lost and alone.  I don't feel strong enough to get through this.  I just want to go back to the way it was before.  I just want to hear his voice and tell him how much I love him.  I started crying while I was doing the dishes.  I hate nights like Tonight.

Tomorrow is another day.  Sometimes Tomorrow is better than Today, sometimes it is worse.  It is always a different day though.  I made it through Today, and I am surviving Tonight.  I'm ready for Tomorrow.

I'm ready for the Tomorrow when I don't have to struggle through this anymore--when it doesn't hurt so much.  I just keep trying to remember that eventually, I will wake up to that Tomorrow.

R is for Remember Me

I've been trying to shake off a pretty significant funk for the last couple of days.  I can't seem to get away from it.  It's like a raincloud that follows me around all day.  Even when I'm happy, I feel like it is casting a shadow over me.

I didn't sleep well last night.  I rarely do.  I dream about him every night.  Sometimes I don't remember the specifics of my dreams, but I know he was in them.  Sometimes my dreams are realistic--I confront him, and he continues to lie to me.  Sometimes my dreams just throw me back into denial--he comes back and fixes everything.  I wish I could make them stop.  This morning, I woke up at 5:00.  I don't know what the neighbors were doing, but they woke Spencer up, and he got up and started snooping around.  He woke me up, so I got up to go to the bathroom.  I couldn't sleep when I got back in bed.  I reached for my phone like I do every time I wake up in the night.  I opened my e-mails, hoping to have one from him.  I lay there awake, thinking about him.  I finally decided to get up after about 45 minutes.  I ate breakfast, put Spencer in the car, and headed out toward the beach.  I thought that would make me feel better.

My iPod had it out for me this morning.  It kept picking "our" songs.  I was OK, and I was able to skip over them until it picked "Remember Me" by Journey.  I can't even bring myself to post the lyrics, so you'll have to Google it.  "Remember Me" is the song that has always gotten me through our time apart.  It's the song I listened to every night I was underway.  It's the song I couldn't take off repeat the day he left for this deployment.  It's a song I will probably never be able to listen to again.

I wonder if he still listens to it before he goes to sleep.  I wonder if he still looks through the photo album I gave him.  I wonder if he still reads the 60-something e-mails he had printed out before this whole thing happened and I stopped sending them.  I wonder if he cries.  I wonder if he hopes that everything will be OK, or if he knows that it won't.  I wonder if he still checks his e-mail and hopes to find one from me.  I wonder if he talks to me.  I wonder if he bargains with himself and tries to find the missing piece--the piece that will make this all OK.  I wonder if he feels completely lost and utterly alone.  I wonder if he feels sick.

I'm tired of wondering.  I'm tired of caring.  I'm tired of living inside my own head and drowning in my thoughts.  I'm tired of Remembering Him.  I'm tired of missing him.  I'm tired of wishing I could go back to the way it was.  I'm tired of feeling like the only person who can make me stop crying is the one who made me cry.  I'm tired of this cloud following me around.

I had been feeling better, and now I'm not.  I just wish I knew how to get out of this funk.  I want to feel better again.

P is for Pity Party

The original title of this post was "P is for Pick-and-Choose," but as I started writing, "P is for Pity Party" seemed much more appropriate.  It's just one of those nights.

I'm behind in my blogging.  The last few days, being pregnant is just sucking the life out of me.  I think it might be the heat.  I'm sure it doesn't help that I have not been sleeping well.  It is 8:14, and I am already getting tired.  I even took a nap this afternoon.  But enough with the excuses--let's get on with this post

There are so many crappy things that come with a bad break-up.  Not that any break-up can ever really be called "good."  This one was particularly heinous because of the circumstances.  The last few days, I'm struggling to figure out what belongs to me.  Not physical belongings.  I guess I could call them "emotional belongings."  Memories.  Songs.  Things I like to do.  Shows I like to watch.  Even my hockey team--the Pittsburgh Penguins.  There are so many things I associate with him.  I'm trying to sort through them and separate things that were "ours" from things that once were mine, until I brought him in to be a part of them.  The process sucks.  It's painful.  It's depressing.  It is even worse than sorting through the physical belongings.  The memories will never belong to me because they were all lies.  Even someday down the road when this doesn't hurt so much, I'll still remember that none of this was real.  I hate that.

In a lot of ways, I don't remember who I was before him.  In a lot of ways, I can't be that person anymore anyway.  I have outgrown that person.  I used to party and drink a lot.  I loved dancing at the club.  I had a lot of single friends my age--but I was 22 then.  That lifestyle doesn't appeal to me anymore--not that it is really an option considering that I am growing a tiny human in my uterus.  So I guess that means I have to reinvent myself?

Nothing about this is fair.  I don't expect it to be, but I still feel like pointing it out.  I have to start over.  I have to figure out who the hell I am without him.  I have to pick up the pieces and move forward--the whole time missing him and wishing I could go back to the way it used to be.  The whole time knowing that I will probably always love him, despite all he has put me through.  I wish I could take a day off from feeling like this.  I wish I could wake up just one morning without him in my head.  I wish I could stop missing him.  I wish I didn't feel like I'm never going to meet another person who makes me feel as complete as he did.

I wish I could feel like eventually I will get over this and it won't hurt anymore.

L is for Lonely

I'm a pretty strong person.  I have been through a lot in my life, and so far, I've made it out alive.  The last few weeks haven't been pleasant.  I've struggled a lot.  There have been a lot of issues to deal with.  I've worked through many of the messy parts.  Now I'm starting to struggle with one of my own personal demons.  It's an issue I've known about for a while.  I just haven't had to deal with it in a long time.

I don't know how to be alone.

I don't mean like physically alone.  Even when I was attached, there were long stretches when he wasn't physically here because of the Navy.  I can handle being by myself.  I don't know how to be single.  It seriously scares the shit out of me.  I haven't had to do it for close to 5 years now, and I don't even think I remember how.  It's uncomfortable for me.  I'm developing a new respect for my single friends.  How do you do this?  I feel genuine anxiety at the thought of not having a closeness, an emotional intimacy with another person.  I've already tried to figure out when it will be appropriate for me to start looking again, and it has only been 3 weeks.

I know this is a season of my life that I have to go through.  I would really like to be able to embrace it and learn from it, but I don't see it that way.  I just think of this as a miserable period that I have to survive until I can find someone new to fill that void.  I'm an oxytocin junkie (oxytocin is the bonding hormone).  I crave that closeness.  I need to have someone else to care about.  I know I will have Macy soon, but I also know she isn't going to fill this particular void.  I'm sure that finally getting to meet her is going to be wonderful, and I am going to be completely wrapped up with just how much I love her.  But I know that eventually, the excitement and whirlwind will fade, and this longing I feel right now will resurface.

I need that connection.  I need the emotional closeness, and the comfort, and the familiarity.  I need that warm body next to me in the bed.  I need that last voice in my head before I fall asleep at night.  I need love songs to remind me of that someone.  I feel like I have lost so much of myself through all of this, and I want to get it back.

I was watching an episode of Friends a few weeks ago--The One with Rachel's Inadvertent Kiss.  Phoebe is dating a cop named Gary, and Monica gets upset because Phoebe and Gary are a "hotter couple" than she and Chandler.  She thinks they need to get back what they had in the beginning of their relationship.

I know a lot of people miss the beginning part as they get further into their relationship.  I like the beginning part.  All of the "firsts" are really fun.  They're also really awkward sometimes.  I don't like the awkward part.  I like the part when everything is comfortable and familiar--the part where I don't have to put on make-up or shave my legs.  The part where I know what he is thinking because I know how he thinks.  The part when he has really become my best friend and confidante.  I love that part.  That's when you really feel the closeness, the connection.  Despite all of his lies, I know that my half of that connection was genuine.  It was real and it was powerful.  I miss it.  I'm scared that I'll never have that connection--real or imagined--with another person again.  When I think about never feeling that way again, I just feel empty inside.  I feel lost.  I feel completely alone.  I'm not sure what to do with that, and I really don't know what to say in conclusion.

I'm scared, I'm lonely, and I don't want to feel like this anymore.  How do I learn how to be alone?

A is for Allergies

Alright, I've decided to join the A-Z blogging fun.  I could use some new activities to keep me busy these days.  I'm playing catch-up, so I'll be posting on Sunday this week too.  Let's do this.

A is for Allergies

I hate allergies.  I have skin allergies.  Ridiculous skin allergies.  I have to buy the dye-free, fragrance-free laundry detergents and such.  God forbid I buy Gain in bulk from Sams--I developed an allergy to it about 1/4 of the way through the bottle.  I'm also allergic to Purex and Snuggle.  Those are just the ones I know for sure.  I don't mess around with laundry detergents anymore.

Even worse than skin allergies are seasonal allergies.  I don't actually have any seasonal allergies, but Spencer, my furry kid, does.  (He also has food allergies.  He eats special food for freaks with sensitive skin and stomachs.)  I had him tested last year for seasonal allergies, and the vet literally came back with a list of A DOZEN things to which he is allergic.  He also came back with the suggestion that I give him allergy shots that start around $300 for the first BATCH.  He would need the shots once a month during the off-season, and every 1-2 weeks during allergy season.  I decided I would just stick with the prescription-strength anti-histamines that only cost me $75 for a 3-month supply.

In hindsight, I should have just spent the damn money for the allergy shots.  My poor dog is miserable.  He is stuck in the Cone of Shame until this crap passes.

He looks so sad!!

Today, I actually had to go buy a bigger Cone.  While I was at work, he managed to get his paw around the Cone and scratch his face.  When I got home, he had blood all over his face.  It looked awful.  He also managed to dig at his front leg until it bled.  So when he was already miserable, itchy, and bleeding, I had to give him a bath.  He looks much better now, and I am working on modifying the new Cone because it is too big for his head.  Fortunately, I just need to punch holes in it and it should fit.  I also picked up some anti-itch shampoo that has hydrocortisone in it, so hopefully that will help.  

I'm just hoping allergy season goes quickly!  I hate seeing him so sad!

You're killin' me right now, Mom!

Surviving

The last week and a half have been difficult--for obvious reasons.  I've made it through with only a few breakdowns here and there.  The last few days have been alright.  I've forced myself to get out of bed and walk for an hour every morning.  I've tried not to dwell.  I can't keep thoughts of him from filling my head, but I've sort of learned how to handle them--as much as anyone can.

I know everyone keeps telling me I need to take this one day at a time.  That is supposed to make me feel better.  But lately I feel like I'm just surviving.  I wake up every morning and wonder if I should get up or just stay there.  I dream about him every night, so I never rest.  I fight through the day, looking forward to bedtime because it means another day is behind me.  I keep trying to convince myself that every time I get in bed at night, I am one day closer to feeling better.  I'm really starting to doubt whether or not that is true.

I just wish I had a timeline.  I wish there were a schedule that could tell me on X-day, I will stop hoping that there is some way to fix this; on X-day, I will finally stop dreaming about him every single night; on X-day, my pain will be down around a 2 or 3 instead of a 6 or 7; on X-day, I will stop thinking of him as the man I love and want to spend my life with.  I'm tired of feeling like I'm Just Getting By.  I'm tired of struggling through one day, just to get the crap kicked out of me by the next.  I'm tired of being completely consumed by this.  I'm tired of still missing him so damn much.  I'm tired of thinking about him all day long, and dreaming about him every night.  I'm tired of EVERYTHING reminding me of him.

I'm just ready to feel better and move on.  I wish there was a self-help book for this.  I wish I had some control over it.  No matter how much I obsess, I can't speed this up.  I can't control.  I can't take charge.  I just have to sit here and wait for it to pass.  I think that might be the part that I am least OK with.

Maybe that's what I am supposed to be learning from this.  God, take this away from me and help me let go of it.  Please.  I can't feel like this anymore and I need your help.

Coping: The Bittersweet Edition

Today has been one of the best, hardest, saddest, and most bittersweet days of my life.  It actually started out alright.  I managed to sleep in until almost 9:00, which is quite an accomplishment these days.  I might have slept longer, but I made the mistake of letting my furry child sleep with me--thus reinforcing that he has to sleep in the crate.  He woke me up by putting his cold nose on my face an then giving me the "please let me go out and shit" look.  I obliged.  Then I got myself something to eat, and did a few random chores while I waited for Baby Daddy to get home from duty.  


Today was our last day together.  I guess I can't really even call it a day--it was about 5 hours.  But I was determined to make the best of it.  I refused to spend it blubbering and moping.  And let me tell you, I am DAMN proud of myself.  I made it all the way until it was time to leave before there was a single tear--and I had the most amazing 5 hours I've had in a long time.  I don't even know why--we didn't do anything spectacular.  We were lazy and watched TV and snuggled and just enjoyed each other's company.  And it was exactly what I needed today.  That part of my day was wonderful.  The best.


Then the shitty part came.  Oh, it was so shitty.  It's still so shitty.  


This afternoon, I did one of the hardest things I've ever done in 26 years .  I drove the man that I love, the father of my child, my best friend, my soulmate, blahblahblah--insert your favorite cliche here, to the pier, told him Good-Bye, and then watched him walk across the parking lot, down the pier, and out of my site--for SEVEN months.  Tears, people!


So.Many.Tears.


But I'm still alive.  Surprisingly, I think I have cried less today than I have on any of the past 3 or 4 days.  On the way home, I got myself a medium Blizzard with extra chocolate instead of a small, because this was a real doozy.  And you know what?  It only took half of it to soothe me.  Didn't see that coming.  I guess because the anticipation was worse than the actual event.  Until today, I have been feeling like I'm never going to make it through this.  


Today--TODAY I feel like it might be alright.


I came home, read some blogs, and worked on turning this

...into an actual room.  I did a decent job--you can even see the floor now.  And it kept me busy, and kept me from melting into a pile of weeping, blubbering, hormonal, dramatic, pregnant goo on the carpet.  Again--proud of myself!!  Also, very thankful to have my furry kid to keep me company.  He's a really good companion--and a lap dog.

(Please ignore my excellent impression of a 13-year old boy.  My face is revolting, and I haven't figured out how to stop it.)


So for now, I'm coping.  Tonight has turned into an iTunes marathon of "our songs," but it hasn't been sad.  I'm still sad, but I'm trying not to wallow.  If you think of me in passing and you want to say a little prayer that God will keep him safe and bring his boat back in one piece, that would be amazing.  He's pretty important to me.  Thanks.