X is for eXposed

Yesterday I did something I have been too scared to do for almost 6 months.  You see, I have been hiding big parts of my life for a long time now because somebody else forced me to.  I can't say that I am entirely without blame.  I allowed him to guilt me and scare me into keeping secrets.  I thought it was for a good cause.  Really, it was so he could keep up the lie that he has been living.  It is only fitting that it took me this long to "announce" my pregnancy on Facebook.  (After all, things aren't really official until they're Facebook Official, right?)

Last night, I did it.  I made Macy Jane Facebook Official.  I was really nervous to do it.  There are a lot of people I consider to be friends who had no idea that I'm pregnant.  I wasn't entirely sure how they were going to react.  Most of them were shocked.  I know a few were hurt that they just found out.  I don't really know what to say to them.  There is a very long story behind why I didn't announce my pregnancy to the world.  I still don't feel like sharing it with a lot of people.  I wish I hadn't hurt their feelings.

I'm glad I finally did it.  I'm tired of hiding.  I'm tired of keeping secrets for someone else.  I feel better to have this out in the open.  I'm tired of being ashamed.  There are still things I don't feel like sharing with the world.  A lot of things I post on here I wouldn't put on Facebook, and I never post links to my blog.  But I keep those things out of the public eye because I want to, not because someone else might get upset.

I feel better now that I am exposed.  It's like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  I never knew just posting a few pictures would make me feel so much better.  It feels like I'm starting to take my life back.

It's a good feeling.

W is for Wine-o

Today, I'm going to share about one of my favorite places on the face of the Earth.  No, it's not some remote beach somewhere, or some exotic destination.  You don't need a passport to go there--just a Designated Driver.  I am talking about my favorite winery--Blue Sky Vineyards in Makanda, IL.  

I am fortunate enough to be from a little town right in the heart of Southern Illinois wine country.  People come from all over the US to visit the Shawnee Wine Trail.  I just have to make a short 9-mile drive from my parents' house.  Of the many wineries on the Shawnee Wine Trail, Blue Sky is by far the best.  The winery itself--modeled after an Italian villa--sits on a hill overlooking the beautiful Southern Illinois landscape.  Giant blue and white umbrellas freckle the hillside, and a serene waterfall adds to the amazing ambiance.  I have a few pictures of the outdoor scenery, but you can find more by clicking here to visit their website.  These pictures were from a wonderful trip back in July of 2009 with some of my favorite Chicks.  This particular stop along the wine trail might have contributed to my desire to sing Journey songs while hanging out of my own sunroof.

Those amazing umbrellas!

The beautiful pavilion where I would love to get married someday!

  

A closer shot where we are all mostly behaving ourselves!

Southern Illinois wine is my favorite for many reasons.  I love that is is local, and it is very reasonably priced.  Also, it is the only place where I can seem to find my favorite wine--Chambourcin.  I love dry wines, especially dry reds.  Blue Sky's Chambourcin Reserve is an amazing wine.  Another favorite of mine is the Old Red Sangria from Blue Sky.  They sell Sangria by the pitcher-full in the summer time.  A few summers back, I was able to get a hold of the recipe so I can have a little taste of home here on the East Coast.  I can't wait until Macy is here so I can have myself a glass or two out on the porch.  I already planning to make a weekend of Winetrailing next summer, so get ready Chicks!

Wednesday Hodgepodge--4/28/11

1. What is something that bothers you if it is not done perfectly?
This is actually kind of a hard question, because there are lots of things I have to do perfectly.  I guess the biggest one I can think of is note-taking in class.  I can't stand it when my notes aren't organized the way I like them.

2. What is one of your best childhood memories?
We used to go on our family vacation to Branson, MO and Springfield, MO every summer.  We went the same places (Silver Dollar City and Fantastic Caverns) and did the same things every year, but it was always fun to get away.  The best part was riding "Fire in the Hole!" over and over with my brother.  "Fire in the Hole!" is an indoor roller coaster.  It is dark, and there are a bunch of fire scenes.  The ride rolls along slowly as you pass the fire scenes, and then you hear someone scream "Fire in the Hole!"  The ride goes down quickly and comes back up.  At the end, you see what looks like an oncoming train, and then you get splashed with water.  It sounds totally cheesy, but it was the only ride that was air conditioned, and there was rarely a line.  We would get off the ride and get right back on.

3. Do you plan to watch the Royal Wedding and when was the last time you wore a hat?
I really have no interest in the Royal Wedding.  I wear a hat to work every time I put on my uniform.  As far as a non-work hat, it has been a long time.

4. Where do you fall in the birth order in your family? Do you think this has influenced your personality?
I'm the oldest child.  I think it has definitely influenced my personality.  I'm very outgoing and independent.  I also made all the mistakes, and I'm the most strong-willed.

5. Where do you think you spend most of your money?
Probably at Target.  I heart Target.  However, I would like to inform them that 15% off does not a clearance make.  Sorry, Target.  Also, their return policy blows.

6. When you need to confront someone would you rather communicate in person, on the phone, by email or by letter? Why?
I think by e-mail.  It gives me a chance to think about what I want to say, and to read over it before I send it.  That way, I don't end up saying anything I don't mean, especially out of anger.  Also, in person, I tend to "chicken out" of saying things that need to be said.

7. Dodge ball, freeze tag, kickball or jump rope? You have to pick one.
I would have to say Dodge Ball.

8.  I am so glad that I decided to participate in the A to Z Blogging Challenge!  It has been really fun, and it has definitely forced me to be more creative than usual.

V is for Vacation

After reading Katie's many posts about the beach, I have realized that I need a vacation.  I got to thinking about it, and I don't actually remember the last time I went on a vacation.  I have made lots of trips home to Illinois, but I'm not sure that counts.  I suppose the last trip I took that could really be considered a vacation was the trip I took to Pittsburgh back in December of 2007.  Yes, that was almost 4 years ago.  Also, it was just a weekend trip.

Don't get me wrong--there are plenty of fun things to do right here where I live.  There is the beach here, the Outer Banks, Chincoteague and Assateague Islands up on the Eastern Shore, museums, the aquarium, etc...  I just don't think it's the same to have to come home at the end of the day and go back to my normal life.  I think one of the defining characteristics of a vacation is the "getting away."

So I have decided it is time to start saving.  Someday soon--maybe even next summer--I'm going to take a vacation.  A real vacation where I leave this area, go somewhere else, stay in a hotel, and just enjoy myself.  I'm imagining there will be a beach, or maybe a lake.  I guess it depends on how I'm feeling next summer.  Either way, I'm going to start putting money away.  Anyone want to join me?

U is for Upbringing

I've had the same conversation about raising children several times in the last week or so.  I guess that means it's time to blog about it.

My daughter is probably going to think I am the Meanest Mom Alive.  I never pictured myself as "that Mom," but in a society where kids are expected to "grow up" at a younger and younger age, I don't see that I will have a choice.  She might hate it while she is young, but I just hope that someday she understands why I was so mean to her.

• She is NOT getting a cell phone when she is 10...or 8 or however old these kids are who have cell phones nowadays.  Where is she going at 10 years old that she would even need a cell phone?  She's definitely not going out by herself without an adult at that age.  Once I allow her to go places without an adult, she can take my phone--the same way I did when I was in high school.  Once she can drive, we'll talk about her own phone.  I'm going to do my damnedest to get her one that doesn't have a camera.  That may not even be possible by that point, but I can certainly try.  The instance of girls texting naked pictures is way to high for my comfort.  We're going to have a talk about that around the onset of puberty.  I don't think it is an issue that parents address, and most teens really aren't mature enough to understand the implications of the decision to take those kids of pictures.  
• She is going to learn that actions have consequences--and that sometimes, things ARE her fault.  I don't want her to grow up learning to blame other people for her own poor choices.  I also don't want her to feel like she is owed something by society, her teachers, or anyone else.  I'm tired of hearing about kids who have a sense of entitlement.  My kid isn't going to be one of them.
• She is going to learn to respect other people--particularly her elders and other authority figures, like teachers.  If I get a phone call informing me that my kid is disruptive or disrespectful in the classroom, you can bet that I'm going to jump in her ass for it.  If she sees a woman (or a man) carrying an armful of packages, I expect her to open the door for her (or him).  I expect her to say "yes, ma'am" and "no sir."  I expect her to say "please" and "thank-you," and to offer to help with the dishes if she is invited to a friend's house for dinner.
• These little outfits I see girls wearing at the mall--the short shorts and tank tops?  NOT HAPPENING.
• She is going to learn the value of a dollar.  That means she will be buying her first car.  I might price match her so that she can get a nicer car than she otherwise could, but I'm not just buying it for her.  When kids get handed things, they don't appreciate them.  That means they don't take care of them, and they expect Mom or Dad to replace them when they destroy them.  
• I don't want my daughter going to her friends when she has questions about her body--I want her to come to me.  That means, I am going to talk to my daughter about sex.  I'm not going to just change the subject, or tell her something to get her to stop asking questions.  I'm going to tell her the truth--in an age-appropriate manner, of course.  That will hopefully open the communication lines so that when she is 15 and starts thinking about having sex, she will come talk to me first.

What scares me, is that I feel like I'm going to be the minority for raising my child this way.  I hope I'm wrong.  I hope I can be part of a community where at least a few other parents give a crap.  I can hear her already: "But so-and-so's Mom is letting her go!"  I just really hope I don't have to fight that battle all through her tween and teen years.  

Prayer Monday--4/25/11

Praises:

1.  Macy is still cooking.

2.  Spencer's allergies are still under control, despite weaning him off of steroids.

Prayer Requests:

1.  I'm still waiting on my last bit of paperwork for my travel.  I am getting very nervous, and I'm worrying about it a lot.  Pray that God will take care of everything, and that I will let go and let Him handle this.

2.  I would really like to feel some fulfillment (or at least some contentment) in my life.  I feel like I'm missing something, searching for something, and I would really like this feeling to go away.

3.  Spencer has been sick to his stomach lately.  Intestinal upset is a side effect of the allergy medicine he is on.  However, it is also a symptom of liver problems, which can be caused by the antibiotics that he is on.  He goes back to the vet Wednesday.  I'm trying not to think the worst, but it is really hard for me.  I don't know what I would do without him.  I just ask God to keep him healthy.

Prayer:

Dear Lord,

  I'm feeling overwhelmed by life right now.  I'm worried; I'm stressed.  I feel empty.  I keep looking for something.  Please help me this week to look to you for strength and fulfillment, instead of looking within.  I know that no other person can make me feel whole.  I know that being alone right now is a season you have chosen for me.  Please help me to trust that your will is best.  Help me to remember that you won't give me anything I am not strong enough to handle.  I lift these requests before you, and ask that your will be done.  

In Jesus' name,

Amen

33 Weeks

How far along?
33 Weeks.

Total weight gain/loss:
29 Pounds.

Gender:
It's a Girl!! Macy Jane.

Size of baby:
Macy weighs about 4 pounds. She is about the size of a pineapple, and is about 17 inches from head to heel.

Maternity clothes?
Yup.  Just got my shorts yesterday.  I don't really care for the full-panel anymore, because it isn't big enough and it cuts into my belly.  I'm pretty much sticking with the low rise.  Oh, and dresses.

Stretch marks?
Battling them twice a day.  I don't think they're multiplying too much lately.

Sleep:
This week I started having hip pain if I stay in the same position too long.  I've always been a side sleeper, but now I wake up with sharp pains in my hips.  I also have to get up to go to the bathroom.  Overall though, decent sleep--all things considered.

Best moment this week:
Sorting through her wardrobe to see what she has and what she still needs.

Movement:
She moves a lot, and she responds to things she doesn't like.  If I lean too far forward, she responds by kicking me in the ribs.

Food cravings:
I don't know if I would consider it a craving, but I eat toast with peanut butter at least once a day.  EVERY day.

Symptoms:
Hip pain, trips to the bathroom, general lack of mobility, especially when it comes to leaning forward.

Belly Button: in or out?
Still in, but getting pretty shallow these days.

Rings: on or off?
Off.

What I miss:
Bending over comfortably.

What I am looking forward to:
Going home in a couple weeks.

T is for Today, Tonight, and Tomorrow

Today, I woke up without a heavy heart.  I didn't feel weighed down.  I didn't feel consumed by my circumstances.

Today, I cleaned my entire apartment.  I swept.  I dusted.  I mopped.  I vacuumed.  I even vacuumed the couch, and wiped off the stove--my least favorite chores.  I put away all of Macy's clothes that I washed the other day. I cut all the hair and old tinsel off the beater bar of the vacuum so it would work like it's supposed to.  I organized all of my bow-making supplies and put them into a plastic tub.  I was 10 kinds of productive.

Today, I worked on my calculus homework.

Today, I took Spencer for a walk at the park.

Today was a good day.  Then, Today turned into Tonight.

Tonight has been downhill--literally since the sun went down.

Tonight, I am a broken record.  I am missing him.  I feel lost and alone.  I don't feel strong enough to get through this.  I just want to go back to the way it was before.  I just want to hear his voice and tell him how much I love him.  I started crying while I was doing the dishes.  I hate nights like Tonight.

Tomorrow is another day.  Sometimes Tomorrow is better than Today, sometimes it is worse.  It is always a different day though.  I made it through Today, and I am surviving Tonight.  I'm ready for Tomorrow.

I'm ready for the Tomorrow when I don't have to struggle through this anymore--when it doesn't hurt so much.  I just keep trying to remember that eventually, I will wake up to that Tomorrow.

Show Us Your Life: Organization

I decided to participate in Kelly's Show Us Your Life today to share my mad organizational skills (Read: OCD).    Really, it's a sickness.  No one should get as excited as I do about organize.com, or about the notepads in the $1 bin at Michael's.  I don't know where I got it, but I'm pretty sure it gets worse as I get older.  So read on if you want to learn how to be sick like me.

1.  I make lists.  This is a picture of my fridge right now.  I have many more notepads scattered throughout my apartment--one on the coffee table, one in my purse, several on the computer table.  These are just the ones on the fridge at this current moment.

Yes, I do need each of these lists.  Each list has a separate category.  That one the right is actually my menu for the next 2 weeks, which brings me to #2.

2.  I plan out my meals 2 weeks at a time.  I actually started doing this to save money.  The first month I planned my meals, made my list, and only bought items on the list, I saved myself about $200 in groceries.  The planning also helps me eliminate waste.  It is actually pretty hard to shop and cook for one person, so I try my best not to throw things away.  I make a big trip every other Monday, and on the in-between Mondays, I pick up things like milk, bread, and a few produce items.  I also package my leftovers into meal-sized servings whenever I can.  Then I can just grab a container and heat it up instead of having to scoop things out of different containers onto a plate.  That means I create less dishes, and also use less water to wash the dishes.

3.  Since it is just me right now, I only actually do about 2 loads of laundry a week.  I suppose I should enjoy this luxury while I have it.  I always make sure I wash as much as I can in one load to save water.

4.  I have a central calendar.  All of my medical appointments, lunch dates, etc... go into my calendar, and I usually take it with me when I leave the house.  I used to have a big, bulky leather-bound planner (it made my apartment smell of rich mahogany), but it took up too much room.  Now, I just use a simple spiral-bound planner from Target.

5.  Anytime I can use a bin, tub, crate, basket, or rack of some sort, I do.

All my scrapbooking goodies.

Sewing supplies (I love these stackable bins).

Christmas: ornament boxes, tubs for ribbon and bags.  

The silver boxes have Christmas dishes in them.

The rest of my Christmas decorations in festive-colored boxes.

My desk organizer--I put current bills in the front pocket, 

and move them to the back once I have paid them.

Pretty containers for Q-tips, cotton balls, and hair ties.

Hanging shoe rack to keep shoes from piling up everywhere.

I'm a wine-o, so of course I need a place to put 

my wine bottles and glasses!

6.  I use an Excel spreadsheet for my budget.  Each bill goes into the spreadsheet so I don't forget to pay any of them (it has happened--a lot).  Of course, it is color coded, and has way more categories than anyone should probably have for a budget.  I blame the week I spent learning to manage my money at the Navy's Command Financial Specialist school.

All of my organization may fall by the wayside when Macy gets here.  It stresses me out a little bit to think about it.  I guess I'll just have to wait and see.  Hopefully I don't end up having an anxiety attack because my infant refuses to get herself on a schedule.

S is for Summer Wardrobe

The other day, I discovered the Carter's website.  I might have gone a little bit overboard.

I thought I wanted a boy when I first got pregnant.  I was indifferent when I found out she is a girl--not really disappointed or anything like that.  The closer her due date gets, the more excited I am that I am having a little girl.  I can't wait to put her in dresses and bows.  My Mom told me to enjoy it while I can, because eventually she won't want to wear anything I put her in--you know, like how I was when I was a toddler.  These dresses are part of her summer wardrobe--for just this summer.  I already have stuff for next year, too.  I have been working on bows to match.  I've been trying really hard to stay away from pink because she does have a lot of it.  I think I've done a pretty good job of it too, as none of these dresses are predominantly pink.

The one on the left looks almost blue in the picture, but it's actually purple, which is my favorite color.  

I also found her some blue dresses.  I love that I can put her in whatever color I want, as long as it is a dress, and people will still be able to tell she is a girl.

I stumbled across this set of orange dresses, and I managed to make a pretty awesome matching bow!  I just took up the bow making, so I still need some practice.

The one on the right was from Aunt Christina--I love the little butterfly on the bum cover!

These yellow ones are from my favorite store--Target.

I found this one, and another purple one that hasn't come yet, on carters.com.

Lastly, we have what I call the Joybringer.  I don't know why, but I have realized that I love flamingos, and I just HAD to buy this set.  I can't wait for her to wear them!!

These are mostly things I have bought for her.  She has a Grandma, a Great Grandma, and a whole lot of Aunties at home, in addition to her Aunties here, to spoil her rotten.  I think this kid is ruined already!  I can't wait for her to get here so I can really spoil her.

R is for Remember Me

I've been trying to shake off a pretty significant funk for the last couple of days.  I can't seem to get away from it.  It's like a raincloud that follows me around all day.  Even when I'm happy, I feel like it is casting a shadow over me.

I didn't sleep well last night.  I rarely do.  I dream about him every night.  Sometimes I don't remember the specifics of my dreams, but I know he was in them.  Sometimes my dreams are realistic--I confront him, and he continues to lie to me.  Sometimes my dreams just throw me back into denial--he comes back and fixes everything.  I wish I could make them stop.  This morning, I woke up at 5:00.  I don't know what the neighbors were doing, but they woke Spencer up, and he got up and started snooping around.  He woke me up, so I got up to go to the bathroom.  I couldn't sleep when I got back in bed.  I reached for my phone like I do every time I wake up in the night.  I opened my e-mails, hoping to have one from him.  I lay there awake, thinking about him.  I finally decided to get up after about 45 minutes.  I ate breakfast, put Spencer in the car, and headed out toward the beach.  I thought that would make me feel better.

My iPod had it out for me this morning.  It kept picking "our" songs.  I was OK, and I was able to skip over them until it picked "Remember Me" by Journey.  I can't even bring myself to post the lyrics, so you'll have to Google it.  "Remember Me" is the song that has always gotten me through our time apart.  It's the song I listened to every night I was underway.  It's the song I couldn't take off repeat the day he left for this deployment.  It's a song I will probably never be able to listen to again.

I wonder if he still listens to it before he goes to sleep.  I wonder if he still looks through the photo album I gave him.  I wonder if he still reads the 60-something e-mails he had printed out before this whole thing happened and I stopped sending them.  I wonder if he cries.  I wonder if he hopes that everything will be OK, or if he knows that it won't.  I wonder if he still checks his e-mail and hopes to find one from me.  I wonder if he talks to me.  I wonder if he bargains with himself and tries to find the missing piece--the piece that will make this all OK.  I wonder if he feels completely lost and utterly alone.  I wonder if he feels sick.

I'm tired of wondering.  I'm tired of caring.  I'm tired of living inside my own head and drowning in my thoughts.  I'm tired of Remembering Him.  I'm tired of missing him.  I'm tired of wishing I could go back to the way it was.  I'm tired of feeling like the only person who can make me stop crying is the one who made me cry.  I'm tired of this cloud following me around.

I had been feeling better, and now I'm not.  I just wish I knew how to get out of this funk.  I want to feel better again.

Wednesday Hodgepodge--4/20/11

1. What are your plans for Easter Day/weekend?
I have to work on Saturday, and I think I'm supposed to have lunch with Chris and Julia on Sunday?  We didn't really finalize any plans yet, so I guess I should find out.

2. Besides Jesus, what one person from The Bible would you most like to meet and why?
I guess I would say Jonah.  I wonder what it was really like inside the belly of that whale.

3. What is one modern day convenience you didn't have as a child that was easy to live without?
We didn't have cable when I was a kid.  I know we griped about it a lot.  Looking back, it was pretty easy to live without.  We played outside instead.

4. Are you more right brained or left brained? If you don't know what that means there is an interesting little quiz here.
Mostly left-brained, which does not surprise me.  I did well in the "sequential" and "linear" areas.  I thrive on organization and lists.  I would guess that most people with OCD are left brained.

5. What is something you intended to do today but didn't? Why?
I was going to clean out and organize the fridge--didn't get to it.  I was also going to do my calc homework, but I was too tired and I took a nap instead.  I am having a really hard time concentrating on school because my grade is high enough that I could probably pass the class without even taking the last test.

6. Cadbury Creme Eggs or Reeses peanut butter?
Cadbury Creme Eggs.  Reese's Peanut butter eggs were someone's favorite, and I don't think I could even bring myself to eat one right now.

7. Who was your favorite cartoon character when you were a child?
I don't really know.  I don't remember watching a lot of cartoons.  My brother and I watched Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  We fought over who was going to be Michaelangelo because he had nun-chucks.

8.  My dog has been freed from the Cone of Shame.  Thank God for steroids.  He is much happier now.

Q is for Quitter

I was kind of hoping maybe I would count up the days and they would add up to a nice round number.  Of course, it didn't work out that way.  Instead, they added up to 173.

The last time I lit a cigarette was 173 days ago.

Small victories.

P is for Pity Party

The original title of this post was "P is for Pick-and-Choose," but as I started writing, "P is for Pity Party" seemed much more appropriate.  It's just one of those nights.

I'm behind in my blogging.  The last few days, being pregnant is just sucking the life out of me.  I think it might be the heat.  I'm sure it doesn't help that I have not been sleeping well.  It is 8:14, and I am already getting tired.  I even took a nap this afternoon.  But enough with the excuses--let's get on with this post

There are so many crappy things that come with a bad break-up.  Not that any break-up can ever really be called "good."  This one was particularly heinous because of the circumstances.  The last few days, I'm struggling to figure out what belongs to me.  Not physical belongings.  I guess I could call them "emotional belongings."  Memories.  Songs.  Things I like to do.  Shows I like to watch.  Even my hockey team--the Pittsburgh Penguins.  There are so many things I associate with him.  I'm trying to sort through them and separate things that were "ours" from things that once were mine, until I brought him in to be a part of them.  The process sucks.  It's painful.  It's depressing.  It is even worse than sorting through the physical belongings.  The memories will never belong to me because they were all lies.  Even someday down the road when this doesn't hurt so much, I'll still remember that none of this was real.  I hate that.

In a lot of ways, I don't remember who I was before him.  In a lot of ways, I can't be that person anymore anyway.  I have outgrown that person.  I used to party and drink a lot.  I loved dancing at the club.  I had a lot of single friends my age--but I was 22 then.  That lifestyle doesn't appeal to me anymore--not that it is really an option considering that I am growing a tiny human in my uterus.  So I guess that means I have to reinvent myself?

Nothing about this is fair.  I don't expect it to be, but I still feel like pointing it out.  I have to start over.  I have to figure out who the hell I am without him.  I have to pick up the pieces and move forward--the whole time missing him and wishing I could go back to the way it used to be.  The whole time knowing that I will probably always love him, despite all he has put me through.  I wish I could take a day off from feeling like this.  I wish I could wake up just one morning without him in my head.  I wish I could stop missing him.  I wish I didn't feel like I'm never going to meet another person who makes me feel as complete as he did.

I wish I could feel like eventually I will get over this and it won't hurt anymore.

O is for Over-Achiever

I've always been one.  I hate to fail.  I love to learn.  I love to be good at things.  Growing up, my parents didn't tell me I was pretty--they told me I was smart.  Maybe that has something to do with it.

This semester, I went back to college.  I'm only taking one class, but it is a calculus class.  I've taken this particular class before, but it has been about 6 years since then.  I haven't missed a single class.  I have done all my homework.  I have done well on all the tests.  I haven't really even studied.  I'm finding that going to class, paying attention, and doing the homework helps me retain the information--crazy!

I'm really tired tonight, so I'm having trouble intelligently connecting my thoughts.  I have noticed a lot of things about my classmates that piss me off.  I don't know if this stuff bothers me because I'm an adult, or if the Navy has just ingrained in me that there is a certain way to act as a student in a classroom.  Either way, these kids are killing me.

There are no less than 6 people who come in late EVERY SINGLE DAY.  You can't leave 10 minutes earlier?  My professor doesn't even seem to notice, which blows my mind.  I would be kicking people out if I were him.  If you can't show up to my class on time, then don't come.  Get out of my class.

Several of those same people don't even take notes.  Seriously, this isn't a psych class--it's a calculus class that is geared toward engineering students.  Some of them don't even bring a pen or pencil with them.  That is called not being prepared.  Get out of my class.

The guy who sits next to me sleeps through every class. Why are you even showing up?!?  You (or someone, probably Mommy and Daddy) paid MONEY for you to attend this class.  WAKE UP!  Get out of my class.

So what I'm getting at is, I would not make a very good teacher.  Or maybe I would.  To my teacher friends--am I crazy by thinking that students should show enough respect to their instructors to show up on time, stay awake, and take notes?  How do you handle this kind of behavior?

Prayer Monday--4/18/11

Praises:

1.  $190 worth of vet bills later, Spencer's allergies are almost under control.  He is so much happier now that he is feeling a little bit better.

2.  The sun keeps rising in the morning.  The weather and the sunshine have helped me a lot lately.

Prayer Requests:

1.  It is getting harder and harder for me to sleep at night.  Not only do I have to get up to use the bathroom in the night, but I have been having a lot of pain in my hips, despite sleeping with a pillow between my knees.  I ask God to help me rest tonight.

2.  I am struggling a lot with some personal issues this week.  I just ask God to help me and give me strength as I deal with them.

3.  I am getting down to the wire as far as my travel goes, and I am still waiting on some paper work to go through at work.  I am really starting to stress about it.  I just want to hand this problem over to God and stop worrying over it.

4.  For Macy.

Prayer:

Dear Lord,

I need your strength.  I ask you to be with me and help me through this week.  You know my heart, and the hearts of each lady participating in Prayer Monday.  Please be with us and let us feel your presence.  Help me to let go and trust that you will take care of me.  Thank you for your goodness and your grace.

Amen

N is for Nursing

I am going to try not to get all ranty with this one, but it is something about which I feel very strongly.  I just attended a "Breastfeeding for Working Moms" class this morning, so it's on my mind.  

I have always known I was going to breastfeed my children.  My brother, sister, and I were all breastfed.  I remember when my sister was born.  I remember my Mom nursing her.  I grew up knowing that breastfeeding is just how moms nourish their children.  I have never even considered giving Macy formula.  

In addition to the fact that it costs, well, almost nothing to breastfeed, there are so many other benefits.  Babies are born with fragile immune systems.  They come out with Mom's immunity, but they don't maintain that immunity without breastmilk.  Breastfeeding lets Mom continue to pass on her immunity to Baby.  Breastmilk is tailored to Baby's needs.  It changes throughout Baby's life so that it always meets Baby's nutritional needs.  It can reduce the chances of allergies later in life.  Also, very very few babies are actually allergic to breastmilk.  They can be allergic to certain proteins in the breastmilk, like from dairy or soy, but an actual breastmilk allergy is very rare--this is not true of formula, and God forbid your baby needs the special formula that costs $90 per can.  Yes, I said PER CAN.  Breastfeeding is easy--you don't have to warm the milk, or mix the milk, or wash your nipples when you are finished.  It's such a no-brainer for me!

I have always thought that most of this was common knowledge.  Lately, I'm running into lots of women who either don't know how good it is to breastfeed, or they just don't care.  I work with a lot of pregnant women. A.LOT.  Many of them are young.  Most of them are first-time moms.  I was reading a book at work one day--The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding by Gwen Gotsch and Judy Torgus.  I actually had another expectant mommy--who is my age, and already has one child--tell me that it grossed her out to even think about breastfeeding.

What?  I don't get it.  I understand that some women can't breastfeed.  Some women can't pump milk when they go back to work.  Some women work jobs where they are not permitted to pump.  Some women never establish a good enough milk supply to meet Baby's needs.  I completely understand those situations.  I hope that I am fortunate enough to have a good milk supply, and have the ability to pump so I can go back to work.  But to refuse to even attempt because "it grosses me out"--even for the first few days so your baby can at least get the colostrum that is SOOO good for her?  I think that is one of the most selfish things I have ever heard.  By the way, it's not all about YOU anymore.  You're having a baby.  There are a lot of things parents have to do that aren't fun or pleasant.  There are a lot of things about being a parent that don't smell good or look pretty.  Deal with it.

There are plenty of things that gross me out about being having a baby.  Pick up any pregnancy book and read the chapter about the first 6 weeks postpartum.  That chapter is even grosser than the one about labor itself.  Giving birth is messy and traumatic to delicate tissues and just, in general, disgusting.  Do I get a choice as to whether or not I have to go through that part?  Absolutely not.  I have to do it.  

I don't think there is anything gross about breastfeeding.  It's natural, and it's probably the best thing I can do for Macy in the first year of her life.  I wish that society didn't have to make such a big deal about it.  I wish that state and federal governments didn't have to pass laws that say I am allowed to feed my child wherever I please so that people would stop throwing a fit about it.  I wish that people didn't steer their kids away from mothers who breastfeed in public and give them "that look."  Maybe they could simply explain to their kids, "That's how mommies feed their babies."  I'll cover myself because I'm a modest person, and I feel it is considerate to do so.  I will NOT go to the bathroom to breastfeed my child in a stall because you are uncomfortable being honest with your child and explaining a natural bodily process to them.  Would you eat lunch in a public restroom?  I didn't think so.  Macy isn't going to either--and there's nothing you can do about it.

See?  Only a little bit ranty today.

32 Weeks

How far along?
32 Weeks.

Total weight gain/loss:
28 Pounds.

Gender:
It's a Girl!! Macy Jane.

Size of baby:
Macy weighs about 3.75 pounds. She is about the size of a large jicama, and is about 16.75 inches from head to heel. (I always use the same website to get this information.  For some reason, they always compare her size to vegetables.  I don't know how big a jicama is, and the only reason I have ever heard of it is from watching Chopped. Maybe Casey can enlighten us.)

Maternity clothes?
Rocking them.  I ordered shorts yesterday because I only have 2 pair that fit.  I am a huge fan of the roll-down waist yoga pants from Old Navy.  I was able to find shorts with the same waist, so I'm pretty excited.  They are so comfortable, they stay where they are supposed to, and the roll-down waist keeps them from cutting into me.

Stretch marks?
Battling them twice a day.  I do have the Burt's Bees Belly Balm that Casey suggested last week, but it is sort of a pain to apply.  It's not a lotion or a cream--it's more like a solid wax that melts with the heat from your fingers.  It takes a while to apply, so I sort of gave up on it a while back.

Sleep:
Bad dreams. Same as usual. Trips to the bathroom in the night don't help either.

Best moment this week:
My photos went up yesterday--they turned out amazing!  I will be placing an order the week of the 25th.

Movement:
All the time.  I think she has been stretching out more because I feel her in odd places these days.  She also gets hiccups fairly often.

Food cravings:
Eh...Not cravings so much as laziness.  I really haven't felt like cooking this week, so I haven't been eating very well.

Symptoms:
Braxton-Hicks contractions here and there, bathroom trips, some shortness of breath as she moves farther up into the space where my lungs should me.  I'm very glad that I'm carrying low because the shortness of breath sucks a lot.

Belly Button: in or out?
Still in, but getting pretty shallow these days.

Rings: on or off?
Off.

What I miss:
Missing booze again this week.  I would have loves some Sangria from Blue Sky, or a Wallaby Darned from Outback.

What I am looking forward to:
Ordering my pictures, and finishing up my paperwork for my travel.

M is for Mermaid

I was actually going to sleep on M for the night, because I really couldn't come up with anything good.  I thought about M is for Macy, but again, Macy gets her own post every single week.  This idea just came to me out of nowhere.

The Mermaid is the symbol of the City of Norfolk.  She first became the city's icon back in 1999.  Local artists were recruited to decorate over 100 life-size mermaid statues, which were to be mounted throughout Downtown Norfolk, and other areas of the city.  Today, there are so many, there isn't actually an up-to-date count of all of the mermaids.  The beautifully decorated statues are everywhere, even on Naval Station Norfolk.

Sometime before I leave here, I am going to find as many of the mermaids as I can and take their pictures.  I think they will make an excellent scrapbook.  Hunting them down is definitely an experience that is very unique to Norfolk, and I want to take advantage of the opportunity while I'm here.  I actually started several months ago, at the MacArthur Center Mall.  This is a picture of Go Diva, the delicious-looking chocolate ermaid.  Ironically, the Godiva Store is no longer open at this particular mall, but she is still displayed in all her chocolate-y glory.

I thought about posting some other pictures, but it seems cheap to post pictures I didn't take, even if I link back and give credit.  If you want to look at some more pictures of these lovely statues, you can go here, here, or here.  I promise that one day I will revisit this post with many, many of my own pictures.

L is for Lonely

I'm a pretty strong person.  I have been through a lot in my life, and so far, I've made it out alive.  The last few weeks haven't been pleasant.  I've struggled a lot.  There have been a lot of issues to deal with.  I've worked through many of the messy parts.  Now I'm starting to struggle with one of my own personal demons.  It's an issue I've known about for a while.  I just haven't had to deal with it in a long time.

I don't know how to be alone.

I don't mean like physically alone.  Even when I was attached, there were long stretches when he wasn't physically here because of the Navy.  I can handle being by myself.  I don't know how to be single.  It seriously scares the shit out of me.  I haven't had to do it for close to 5 years now, and I don't even think I remember how.  It's uncomfortable for me.  I'm developing a new respect for my single friends.  How do you do this?  I feel genuine anxiety at the thought of not having a closeness, an emotional intimacy with another person.  I've already tried to figure out when it will be appropriate for me to start looking again, and it has only been 3 weeks.

I know this is a season of my life that I have to go through.  I would really like to be able to embrace it and learn from it, but I don't see it that way.  I just think of this as a miserable period that I have to survive until I can find someone new to fill that void.  I'm an oxytocin junkie (oxytocin is the bonding hormone).  I crave that closeness.  I need to have someone else to care about.  I know I will have Macy soon, but I also know she isn't going to fill this particular void.  I'm sure that finally getting to meet her is going to be wonderful, and I am going to be completely wrapped up with just how much I love her.  But I know that eventually, the excitement and whirlwind will fade, and this longing I feel right now will resurface.

I need that connection.  I need the emotional closeness, and the comfort, and the familiarity.  I need that warm body next to me in the bed.  I need that last voice in my head before I fall asleep at night.  I need love songs to remind me of that someone.  I feel like I have lost so much of myself through all of this, and I want to get it back.

I was watching an episode of Friends a few weeks ago--The One with Rachel's Inadvertent Kiss.  Phoebe is dating a cop named Gary, and Monica gets upset because Phoebe and Gary are a "hotter couple" than she and Chandler.  She thinks they need to get back what they had in the beginning of their relationship.

I know a lot of people miss the beginning part as they get further into their relationship.  I like the beginning part.  All of the "firsts" are really fun.  They're also really awkward sometimes.  I don't like the awkward part.  I like the part when everything is comfortable and familiar--the part where I don't have to put on make-up or shave my legs.  The part where I know what he is thinking because I know how he thinks.  The part when he has really become my best friend and confidante.  I love that part.  That's when you really feel the closeness, the connection.  Despite all of his lies, I know that my half of that connection was genuine.  It was real and it was powerful.  I miss it.  I'm scared that I'll never have that connection--real or imagined--with another person again.  When I think about never feeling that way again, I just feel empty inside.  I feel lost.  I feel completely alone.  I'm not sure what to do with that, and I really don't know what to say in conclusion.

I'm scared, I'm lonely, and I don't want to feel like this anymore.  How do I learn how to be alone?

K is for Kitchen

I am not a chef.  I'm not even a cook.  I like to cook, and I love to eat.  Sometimes, I can produce something that is pretty good.  I'm not very good at "Cooking by Ear," as I like to call it.  I can follow a recipe, but I'm not very good at coming up with my own ideas.  I love to watch Food Network.  I am able to use their ideas and alter them here and there to come up with some deliciousness every now and again.  I think if I had a better kitchen, I would be a better cook.  Let me show you why.

This is my kitchen.  In southeastern Virginia, it is just about impossible to find an apartment that doesn't have a "Galley-Style" kitchen, which you see pictured here.  They even mention it in the advertisements like it's an upgrade or something.  If you can't tell from the picture, the floor space in my kitchen is about 7 feet x 3 feet.  Yeah, that little back area?  That's the laundry room.  I have 6 "large" cabinets, and 4 small cabinets.  That's it.  My usable counter space measures about 2.5 square feet.  The rest of the counter is taken up by my microwave, small knife block, and coffee pot.  My sink has no sprayer, and each basin is about half the depth of a normal sink.  Here it is from some other angles.

Look at all that counter space over the dishwasher!!!!

SOOOO many awesome cabinets!!

 
I do have a gas oven/stove.  I think most cooks prefer gas, but I had never cooked in a gas oven until I moved here when I was 25.  I tried to broil some fish...I didn't know that the broiler is that drawer in the bottom of the oven.  Needless to say, that fish took a while.  I actually had to Google "broil in gas oven" to figure out what I was doing wrong.

Someday, I am going to have a fantastic kitchen.  It will have stainless steel appliances.  It will have a butchers block.  It will have enough cabinet space that I can buy a new frying pan without having to completely rearrange all my cookware to find a place for it.  It will have enough cabinet space that things do not fall out and hit me in the face, or fall behind the stove, never to be seen again.  It will have a fridge that actually has a meat and cheese drawer in it, so I don't have to use a plastic tub to hold my deli products.  It will have a freezer with an ice maker.  It will have enough counter space for me to roll out cookie dough AND sit my cookie sheets on the counter at the same time.  It will have one of those sweet pull down faucets with the one-touch so I don't have to smear chicken goo all over the handles before I wash my hands.  It will have a micro-hood so I don't have to waste my counter space with my microwave.  It will have a bar where people can sit and chat with me while I cook--which really means, it will have a place for me to sit and chat with Casey while she cooks for me :).  It will have enough room for me to open the dishwasher and the oven at the same time.  I could probably go on and on, but I'll wrap this up.  Someday, I will have a nice kitchen.  Someday.

Anyone else have a room in their house that makes them feel oppressed?

Wednesday Hodgepodge--4/13/11

1. Would you rather talk to everyone at a crowded party for a short time or have a significant conversation with two people?
I usually tend to stick with a small group.  Most of the time, I end up talking to people I know at parties.  I'm a pretty social person, but I always feel awkward in crowds of people I don't know.

2. What objects do you remember from your parent's living room?
When I was a kid, we had a sectional couch that had recliners at either end.  We also had a sweet console TV.  It had a remote, but only a couple of buttons on the remote worked.  We had a wood-front fireplace, and a big picture window too.  The picture window had regular windows on either side, and I actually pushed my brother through one of those side windows.  Fortunately, we had really thick drapes so he didn't get hurt.  I think we got in quite a bit of trouble for that.  We were actually playing Jerry Springer when I did it, which I suppose I should be embarrassed to admit as an adult.

3. Do you hog the bed? Steal the covers? Snore?
I have a Queen-sized bed, and I sleep in it diagonally.  I sleep that way as a coping mechanism.  I'm not sure how I started sleeping that way, but I got to the point where I couldn't sleep on my side of the bed if I was sleeping alone.  If I wake up on my side, I roll over and expect someone else to be next to me.  It upsets me if I don't find anyone there.  So now I just sleep diagonally, and then I don't expect anyone else to be in the bed when I wake up.  I do sleep with a 20 pound dog who is very good at hogging the bed.  He has actually forced me back onto my side of the bed before.  I don't really know if I snore right now.  I do if I have been drinking.  I'm not sure if I snore since I'm pregnant.  I do not steal the covers.

4. Speaking of Easter dinner....what is your favorite way to cook/eat lamb? Or does just the thought of that make you squeamish? If you're not cooking lamb what will be your entree du jour on Easter Sunday?
I like lamb, but I have never cooked it.  The only way I have ever eaten lamb was in the form of lamb chops from Outback Steakhouse when I used to work there.  I usually associate ham with Easter.  I'm not sure if I will even be cooking this year.

5. Let's throw some politics into this week's mix-oooohhh...Do you know the whereabouts of your birth certificate and when was the last time you had to produce it to prove you're you?
I know exactly where my birth certificate is.  I just sent off for a new copy last year.  I don't remember the last time I needed it to prove I was me...probably when I joined the navy 7 years ago.

6. As a child, how did people describe you?
Talkative is a nice way to put it.  My Mom usually says mouthy.  I was also strong-willed, stubborn, literal, and clever.

7. What do you complain about the most?
Probably my job.  Or maybe Virginia drivers.

8. I really wish I had a nice deck that overlooked a big backyard.  I would sit outside all day.  I am loving this spring weather we are having!!

J is for Journey

No, I'm not being deep or philosophical.  This isn't about life's journey, or even about a trip somewhere.  J is for Journey.  As in, "Don't Stop Believin'," "Faithfully," "Separate Ways" JOURNEY.  I'm going to talk about some other bands I love, too.  But Journey is probably my favorite band, and they're also like the Poster Band for an era of music that pretty much rocks my socks off--Classic Rock (or Southern Rock, in some cases).

Everyone loves Journey, right?  I mean, "Don't Stop Believin' " is the most downloaded song on iTunes, right Pricipal Figgins?  Do you know why?  Because Journey is AWESOME.  Classic Rock is AWESOME.  It's such a great middle-ground sort of music.  You can turn it on at pretty much any party and most people will enjoy it.  I mean, I've never heard anyone say "Man, I really hate Lynyrd Skynyrd.  I wish they would turn this crap off."  People just don't say things like that about Classic Rock.  It's versatile.  It appeals to many generations.  It brings back good memories.  It's awesome.

I am a car singer.  I have even been known to stand with my head out of my own sunroof and sing "Wheel in the Sky" at the top of my lungs during a nice day of winetrailing.  (I don't actually remember what song it was, but you get my point.)  I don't find my driving experience fulfilling without singing.  I do love to belt out a good rendition of "Any Way You Want It," but there are other bands I like too.

My second favorite is probably Foreigner.  I love some "Juke Box Hero," or "Tooth and Nail."  Of course, Styx is definitely on the list--"Lady," "Come Sail Away."  I can't forget about REO Speedwagon--"Roll with the Changes" is actually my ringtone.  Kansas, Asia, Survivor, Boston.  Skynyrd.  It doesn't seem right to end a good night of Beer-B-Qing without listening to "Freebird."  I know I'm leaving some out.  I don't have my iPod handy to scan through it.

I decided the other day that I am going to teach Macy to appreciate Classic Rock.  I'm constantly going to ask her "Hey Macy, who sings this?" so someday she will kick ass at trivia.  Add that to my list of goals for her. So far we have 1. Be skinny and love salad, and 2. RULE at musical trivia.  I'm such a good Mom already.  I wish I could get drunk right now and wail some Journey--WOOOOOO!!!  YEAH!!  Only four more months until I get to go see Journey, Foreigner, and Night Ranger at the amphitheater.  It's going to be epic.  EPIC.

31 Weeks

Just woke up = PUFFY FACE

How far along?
31 Weeks.

Total weight gain/loss:
26 Pounds.

Gender:
It's a Girl!! Macy Jane.

Size of baby:
Macy weighs about 3.3 pounds. She is about the size of 4 navel oranges, and is over 16 inches from head to heel.

Maternity clothes?
I am modeling my fashionable new maternity swim wear in my photo.  It was a pretty good investment, I think.  Love you, Old Navy!

Stretch marks? 
Ummm, yes.  Like an epidemic!!  They're creeping down onto my upper thighs.  I did manage to find the Mederma Stretch Marks Therapy this week.  AND it was on sale for $35.99 instead of $39.99.  AND I had a coupon for $4 off.  I love bargains.  Supposedly I'll see results in as soon as 4 weeks.  We'll see.

Sleep:
Bad dreams. Same as usual.  Trips to the bathroom in the night don't help either.

Best moment this week:
My maternity photo shoot was pretty awesome.  I think I picked some good outfits.

Movement:
Less jabbing and kicking, and more rolling around.  I can feel her up under my ribcage now, which gets a little uncomfortable sometimes.  I think she presses on my bladder on purpose.  I can tell when she moves around and stomps on it.

Food cravings:
I apparently was having cravings when I made my grocery list, because I came home with all kinds of unhealthy meals...crescent dogs, pirogies...nothing good for me.

Symptoms:
Braxton-Hicks contractions started this week.  They don't really hurt--they just feel like a prolonged cramp.  Macy does NOT like them, and she kicks repeatedly during them.

Belly Button: in or out?
Still in, but getting pretty shallow these days.

Rings: on or off?
Off.

What I miss:
Mobility.  I feel like my movements are really restricted.  I know it's only going to get worse.

What I am looking forward to:
Looking at my photos online once my photographer posts them in a couple weeks!!

I is for Idiocracy

I had really intended for this challenge to force me to be creative and find fun things to blog about.  I hate that issues keep coming up that are turning my posts into rants.  I guess if the issues are fitting for the letter of the day, I should go with it.

I don't think Idiocracy is actually a word.  Goggle Chrome is telling me it's not.  But it's the perfect fake word to describe what has been going on lately.  Yeah, the movie was terrible.  I think they got the point across though, and I feel like that's where we're heading.  Our government has strayed so far from what it was when it was first created.  In the beginning, government was supposed to help the people.  Now, our politicians are worried about re-election, personal agendas, their image, and a bunch of other crap that doesn't matter.  Government is so bastardized that our founding fathers probably wouldn't even recognize it anymore.

I don't follow politics.  Politics piss me off.  My Dad watches Fox News for probably an hour a day, on average.  I don't have the patience.  Fortunately, Fox News is "Fair and Balanced (for Republicans)."  I happen to be a Republican.  I'm Conservative.  I'm a Liberal-hater.  I find it ironic that Liberals actually want take away more freedoms from the average American than they want to grant. I think that's crap.  I have a hard time following or even talking about politics because I always just end up wanting to say "You're entitled to your opinion--but your opinion is still WRONG."  All that being said, there is one issue where I don't keep with the ideals of the Republicans.  Get ready to hate me.

I am Pro-Choice.  Yes, I know.  I'm a terrible person.  I really have put some thought into this though, and I have justification.  Let me start by qualifying my statement.  I am Pro-Choice, under certain circumstances--like rape and incest.  I also think abortions should be performed as early as possible.  I don't believe in late-term abortion.  You'll notice I didn't say Pro-Abortion.  That isn't because I think saying "Pro-Choice" sounds less terrible.  I wouldn't have an abortion--therefore, NOT Pro-Abortion.  My current situation has actually helped to affirm my viewpoint on the issue.

My daughter's father and I are no longer together.  We never will be.  I love her every bit as much now as I did before we parted ways.  No circumstance will EVER change the way that I feel about her.  However, it is hard sometimes to know that when she comes out, she is going to remind me of him.  It is very hard to think that every day, I am going to look at a reminder of the pain he put me through.  I know that someday, that pain will fade away, but it hasn't yet.  I can't imagine how much harder it would be to look at a child every day who is the product of rape or incest.  Sure, there is adoption.  But I don't think it is right to ask a woman to put her body through 9 months of carrying a rapist's baby, followed by 57 hours of labor to deliver that baby.  Pregnancy is hard.  Even an easy pregnancy (like mine) is hard on the body.  I certainly don't want some middle-aged, male politician telling me that I have to put my body through that.  So I will always be Pro-Choice.

But...BUT...I don't think that American tax-payers should be financing abortions!!  I support a woman's right to obtain an abortion in a sterile clinic where she will receive the appropriate level of medical care.  I don't think I should be paying for it.  Yeah, that sucks for the victim, but I think that is an appropriate compromise.  It infuriates me that Planned Parenthood is such a sticking point that I almost didn't get a paycheck.  Pssshhh...Liberals.

I don't have a good segue, but this is definitely related.  I used to claim zero exemptions for tax purposes.  I let the government "borrow" the maximum amount of my money they could, without charging them interest.  I used to consider it my After-Christmas Savings Account. Not anymore.  I would rather OWE money in April.  Loaning my money to the government is becoming a gamble, and I'm not taking the chance that I'll get an IOU next year.

Alright I'll get off my soapbox now.  Hopefully J will be more fun!

Prayer Monday--4/11/11

Praises:

1.  I think spring has decided to stick around for a while.  (Now that I say that, it will be raining and cold tomorrow.)

2.  I think I'm close to finishing up the last bit of paperwork for my travel home.  I just got a new Chief, and he seems much more willing to help me than my last one.

3.  I'm having more good days than bad days lately.

4.  The Military is going to get paid...this time.

Prayer Requests:

1.  I continue to ask for God's help through this hard time.  It is getting easier, but I still struggle many days.

2.  Spencer is going to the vet on Wednesday.  Hopefully a shot of steroids will get him through the next few weeks until we can get to Illinois where he doesn't have so many allergy problems.

3.  The budget situation has only been temporarily resolved.  I pray that our nation's leaders will stop bickering like little children and finalize a budget so the men and women who defend this country don't have to worry that they might not be paid for their sacrifices.

4.  Let Macy continue to grow and develop the way she is supposed to. Help me to handle the stress on my body, and to have a safe and healthy pregnancy, labor, and delivery.

Prayer:

Dear Lord,

We come before You today as weak and needy people.  Remind us that You are strong and gracious.  Give us peace and help us to realize that You have heard our prayers.  I know that You will not always answer them right away, or with the answer that we always want.  Give us the patience to accept that You work in Your own time, and Your own ways.  When we don't get the answer that we were hoping for, remind us that our plans are not Your plans.  I lift all of these requests to you, Lord.  I pray that You will work in each situation as You see fit.  Please be with all the ladies who are participating in Prayer Mondays throughout this week.  

In Your name I pray,

Amen

H is for Happy

Fortunately, I have Sunday to catch up on my alphabet.  I couldn't come up with any H-words to blog about yesterday.  I was trying to be creative.  Today, I ended up settling on Happy.

I am Happy today.  I slept in a little, which I always need.  I actually got some decent sleep last night--I have a lot of bad dreams, so I don't usually sleep well.  The weather today is beyond gorgeous, so Spencer and I headed out for a walk.  There is a park right by my apartment, so we walked up there and did a lap around the lake on the beautiful trail.  There were lots of people out with their kids and dogs.  It made me excited for next spring when I can take Macy to the park.  The sunshine was good for me too.  Now I'm at home, sitting on my porch, wishing that I knew some of my neighbors.

There are a couple of guys fishing in the pond and drinking beer.  I'm reaching the point where I can picture myself doing those kinds of things again someday.  I'm starting to feel like the Worst Day of My Life was not the end of my life.  I'm Happy for that feeling.  I'm struggling less and less every day.  A few weeks ago, it felt like I would never get through this.  That feeling has all but faded away now.

The other day, God played a song on the radio just for me.  It's by Sarah Evans, and it is called "A Little Bit Stronger."  I won't post all of the lyrics, but there is one part that I especially try to remember.

Doesn't happen overnight but you turn around
And a month's gone by and you realize you haven't cried

It certainly has not been a month.  I still do my fair share of crying.  But, I am able to go longer stretches without truly having Bad Days.  Friday was a Bad Day.  The last Bad Day before that was almost a week prior.  I'm Happy that the gaps between are getting bigger.  I'm just Happy in general, and being Happy gives me hope that eventually this will all be just a memory.

G is for Government

I am very much in disbelief at how screwed up this budget situation has gotten.  Today's post is going to be a rant.  It is sort of a half-hearted rant, because I'm really exhausted from reading about this all over my Facebook news feed.

Yes, I am outraged.  It is unfathomable to me that congress would even fucking consider suggesting that the Military go without pay.  Are they going to go without pay?  No.  And they make a lot more money than I do.  Maybe they have no concept of what men and women in the Military really go through. These people put their lives on the line.  They leave their homes and loved ones and go over seas for months and months at a time.  They miss out on the births of their children.  They don't even have the everyday comforts that we as lazy, fatass Americans take for granted every single day--like the ability to shower daily, eat a decent meal, or even use a toilet sometimes.  (I'm really not exaggerating either.  There were times on the ship when none of our toilets would flush.)  They tell their families "Good Bye" without knowing that they will get to come home again in one piece, or even at all.  They do it because they love their country.  They do it because they know that the military offers them good benefits.  They do it because their recruiters told them it was a "Guaranteed Paycheck."

Today I read a press briefing given by Press Secretary Jay Carney.  Mr. Carney was discussing the impact of the government shutdown.  He spoke about the different services that will not be available in the event of a shutdown.  The fact that the Military will not receive a paycheck was the TENTH THING on his list.

NUMBER.TEN.

Men and women who signed a contract that said "I know that I could die while I'm defending my country.  I'm willing to make that sacrifice," will not be compensated for their service, and there were NINE other things he felt he should address first.

Among those NINE other things:
1.  The FHA will not be able to endorse loans.
2.  No approvals of SBA-guaranteed loans.
3.  National Parks, National Forests, and the Smithsonian will be closed.
4.  NIH clinical center will not accept new patients or start new drug trials.  (WTF?!?!)
5.  People who filed paper returns won't get their tax refund.
6.  Permits and other Approvals will not be processed.
7.  The Mine Safety and Health Administration will not be able to conduct inspections.
8.  Only emergency passport services will be available.
9.  Most of the veterans benefits customer support services will be suspended.

By this point, I really hope some of you are thinking "WHO GIVES A SHIT!??!" in reagards these nine things.  I wish I hadn't read this press briefing, because it made me even more livid than I already was.

I'm starting to get to the point where all I can really do is call names, and say "Fuck you, Government," so I guess I should wrap this up.  I'm pissed off; I'm frustrated; I'm in disbelief.  I don't trust the government.  I have lost faith in the American people for electing a useless liberal for a president, a democratic house, and a democratic senate.   I Would like to thank all of you who voted for change in the last presidential election. Now if you would please put your campaign signs back in your front yard, our military families know where they can go to eat while waiting on their paychecks.

I'm moving to Canada.

F is for Food

Yeah, I'm a fat kid.

I love food.  I love eating.  I hate food.  I hate being fat.  I use food to cope with problems.  I eat when I'm sad.  I eat when I'm bored.  I eat when I'm stressed.  I eat when I'm not even hungry sometimes.  I have food issues.  I have metabolism issues.  (If I had faster metabolism, I could eat whatever I want.)  I have weight issues.

I don't know how I developed my emotional attachment to food.  I wish I could pinpoint an event or a habit from childhood.  I would love to figure it out so that I don't pass along my food issues to my daughter.  I feel like it is really unfair to have a passion for something, but to HATE the results of enjoying that thing as much as I hate being overweight.  I've heard people throw around the saying "Nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels."  I absolutely disagree.  I wish I could agree with that.  I wish I could be one of those people who loves salad.  But I don't love salad.  I pretty much hate salad--except Pasta House salad.  I love bacon.  I love cheese.  I love uncooked brownie batter.  I love cheesecake.

In the past, I have had a lot of success with the South Beach Diet.  Well, I've also had success with the Diet Coke and Cigarettes Diet, but it's not nearly as healthy.  (It involves skipping meals, drinking Diet Coke for energy, and smoking about 2 packs a day to kill hunger.)  The problem is, I can never stick with the South Beach Diet long enough to make it a lifestyle.  If you don't know what the South Beach Diet is, it's not a diet as much as it is a lesson in how to eat healthy--lean mean, veggies, high-fiber carbs, fruit, eggs, dairy.  It allows me to have sweets without completely ruining my progress.  I'm setting a goal for myself to actually start conforming my lifestyle toward this South Beach Ideal after I have Macy.  I will have to make some adjustments while I'm breastfeeding since my nutritional needs will be different during that period.  I'm planning on breastfeeding her for a year, so hopefully in that time I can get my eating habits under control.  If I can eat the way I should, I can teach Macy to eat the way she should.  Then maybe someday my little girl can be that skinny bitch everyone hates who loves salad.  I have such lofty goals for her.