R is for Remember Me

I've been trying to shake off a pretty significant funk for the last couple of days.  I can't seem to get away from it.  It's like a raincloud that follows me around all day.  Even when I'm happy, I feel like it is casting a shadow over me.

I didn't sleep well last night.  I rarely do.  I dream about him every night.  Sometimes I don't remember the specifics of my dreams, but I know he was in them.  Sometimes my dreams are realistic--I confront him, and he continues to lie to me.  Sometimes my dreams just throw me back into denial--he comes back and fixes everything.  I wish I could make them stop.  This morning, I woke up at 5:00.  I don't know what the neighbors were doing, but they woke Spencer up, and he got up and started snooping around.  He woke me up, so I got up to go to the bathroom.  I couldn't sleep when I got back in bed.  I reached for my phone like I do every time I wake up in the night.  I opened my e-mails, hoping to have one from him.  I lay there awake, thinking about him.  I finally decided to get up after about 45 minutes.  I ate breakfast, put Spencer in the car, and headed out toward the beach.  I thought that would make me feel better.

My iPod had it out for me this morning.  It kept picking "our" songs.  I was OK, and I was able to skip over them until it picked "Remember Me" by Journey.  I can't even bring myself to post the lyrics, so you'll have to Google it.  "Remember Me" is the song that has always gotten me through our time apart.  It's the song I listened to every night I was underway.  It's the song I couldn't take off repeat the day he left for this deployment.  It's a song I will probably never be able to listen to again.

I wonder if he still listens to it before he goes to sleep.  I wonder if he still looks through the photo album I gave him.  I wonder if he still reads the 60-something e-mails he had printed out before this whole thing happened and I stopped sending them.  I wonder if he cries.  I wonder if he hopes that everything will be OK, or if he knows that it won't.  I wonder if he still checks his e-mail and hopes to find one from me.  I wonder if he talks to me.  I wonder if he bargains with himself and tries to find the missing piece--the piece that will make this all OK.  I wonder if he feels completely lost and utterly alone.  I wonder if he feels sick.

I'm tired of wondering.  I'm tired of caring.  I'm tired of living inside my own head and drowning in my thoughts.  I'm tired of Remembering Him.  I'm tired of missing him.  I'm tired of wishing I could go back to the way it was.  I'm tired of feeling like the only person who can make me stop crying is the one who made me cry.  I'm tired of this cloud following me around.

I had been feeling better, and now I'm not.  I just wish I knew how to get out of this funk.  I want to feel better again.