The Truth about Mommyhood.

I don't even know how I got here.  I have no idea when I became this person.  Allow me to elaborate.

• I was once a party animal.  I drank beer, cranked tunes, threw darts.  But now? My idea of an awesome Friday night? Putting my kid in bed at 8pm, and then drinking a single beer while I watch DVR'd television...or read Mommy blogs.
• I am in a perpetual state of looking for something.  A burp cloth.  My phone.  The soda I swear I just opened, but apparently already finished drinking (just happened).  Also, after 10 weeks of feeding my child multiple times a day, I cannot remember to bring all of the things I need for a feeding to the couch before I sit down...and there aren't that many things: Baby, Boppy, burp cloth, Mommy.  TV remote is a bonus, but it is usually already there.  
• EVERYTHING I OWN has puke on it...somewhere...everything...including the dog.
• Speaking of the dog...I love him, really, I do.  But he is always ALWAYS RIGHT.UNDER.MY.MURTHURFURKING.FEET.  When I step on him?  When I nearly break my neck after tripping over him?  He yelps and looks at me like a sad panda.  MOVE, DOG!!
• I take pictures and videos of my kid doing the same thing over and over.  Because everything she does is unbelievably cute--even after she has done it 50 times.  Smiling is a prime example.  She smiles all the time now.  I feel bad each and every time I am unable to immortalize her little toothless, grinning face on my SD card, because every time it is just.so.cute.  Also, she has conversations with the bears on her mobile.  I could stand and watch for hours because, again, SO.CUTE.
• I don't buy clothes for myself.  I will, however, spend $45 on a gown that Macy has worn once.  See below.

OMG SOOOO CUTE!!

I drive a Mom car.  I read Mommy blogs.  AAaaaaand I hope you weren't planning on having an intelligent conversation with me...unless it is about the Most Beautiful Baby EVER Born, or perhaps maybe childbirth, the cost of diapers, or possibly the Navy.  I can only speak on those limited subjects, because I am so consumed by The Blur.

...and de-puking all of my belongings.